Christmas Present Combat

Leave it to my little boys to bastardize the graceful game of ping pong and turn it into a full-contact sport - including penalties and submission holds.

This morning, one of the twins matter-of-factly described his method of executing the "death shot" - a strategic technique used when the opponent's lead is deemed insurmountable.  According to he, when given the opportunity, the paddle is swung at the ball in an aggressive forehand motion, purposely missing the ball and launching the wood-grained weapon at his brother.

That explains the dents in the drywall.  ~L

Clean Your Ears

Water pours from the shower head, busily striking the bottom of the fiberglass bathtub with a loud, hollow spatter.  Metallic vibrations from the worn out exhaust fan adds to the noise - making conversation difficult in the tiny bathroom.  Twin boys, age eight, performing their Sunday evening ritual, struggle to communicate.

Their father, in an adjacent room, overhears this conversation.

BROTHER 1,  standing outside the shower; speaking at normal volume:  Jack, did you know that we're animals?

BROTHER 2,  inside the shower, speaking at normal volume:  What?

BROTHER 1, louder:  Did you know that we're animals?

BROTHER 2,  louder:  What?

BROTHER 1, nearly shouting:  Did you know that we're animals?

BROTHER 2, nearly shouting:  We're not animals - we're mammals!

BROTHER 1:  What?

BROTHER 2, louder:  We're not animals - we're mammals!

BROTHER 1:  Mrs. Graves said we're animals.

BROTHER 2:  No, Mrs. Graves said we're mammals.

BROTHER 1, softer and sounding perplexed:  Mammals?  That's weird.

Father smiles, wishing he had a tape recorder to play back this moment for them someday.  ~L

AM/FM F-U

As a former Eau Clairian and a purveyor of salty language, I chuckled after reading this letter on a friend's FB page.  ~L

(thanks for the link Stacy)
(thanks to "annonymous" for pointing out this letter was debunked by snopes.com)

Salvage Company

Spent an hour visiting with the neighbor.  He pulled up on an ATV dragging a toboggan with a deer on it.  One of his friends hit it with a car just after leaving his house.  Two beers later a Hefty bag filled with future hot dogs was headed home.  ~L

Mass Math Meth Mess

Gives new meaning to "higher education."
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-57336875-504083/boston-professor-charged-with-running-meth-lab-police-say/  ~L

Semi-Educated

Enrolled in college this week.  A 45 year-old, beer-gutted freshman wandering the halls of academia looking for the bookstore, the student union, and a restroom close to the lecture hall. 

For 30 years I've had an affinity for reading and writing.  Did a six year tour of the UW system to earn a four-year journalism degree.  Spent nearly 15 years in the newspaper field - much of that time sensing I'd missed my foreordination in life. It wasn't until I stood at the head of a high school classroom as a long-term, substitiute English teacher that I finally realized my calling.  (It's not as cool as singing Jerry Reed songs - but almost.)  ~L

High-Tech Rednecks

Many of our home computer and electronic accessories are now wireless.  Not because we're rich or tech savvy - but, because this happened again. 

Seems the new puppy mistook our USB cables, ear buds, mouse, battery chargers, and laptop power cords for black licorice whips.  A couple were fully 110V when she worked them over. 

If she sneaks into the house during Christmas, this will bring me joy.  ~L