City Suckers

This week my 11-year-old boys and I took a vacation to Hellwaukee Milwaukee to watch the Brewers. We hoped to go somewhere further from home, but we didn’t have the money time. As a family, it doesn’t matter where we go, as long as I have beer fun. So we loaded up the convertible mini-van and hit the road.

Less than hour into our trip and we were already flying through our cash traffic. The boys begged me to suggested we stop for lunch. Our freeway exit had all the major fast food chains, so we had no trouble finding the Walmart parking lot for lunch meat sandwiches a pleasant place to dine.

When we got into town we checked into the city dump our motel to unpack. In the lobby, we listened to two urban gentleman arguing over the price of a delivered pizza discussing the social benefits of cultural diversity. At the stadium, we enjoyed having most of our bleacher section to ourselves - until a 400-pound loudmouth a husky, jovial gentleman and his frat-boy buddies co-workers sat directly in front of us. The excess girth of their sweaty shoulders actually enveloped the backs of their seats and brushed against our knees. The big guy sucked down $8.00 beers like Prohibition was being re-instated after the game enjoyed himself immensely.

The next day we spent our life savings the morning at the zoo. This was the perfect place for me to maximize quality time ogling young moms in tiny sun dresses bonding with my sons. Endless exhibits of lethargic and sad exotic animals could be smelled seen everywhere. After hours of walking around the 30-acre complex we wished we would have worn more comfortable shoes taken an extra day to see it all!

That afternoon the boys and I hung out in the street construction downtown area. We kicked back in an open-air restaurant and doled out as much money on two craft beers as I would on a 30-pack of Blatz enjoyed the city slicker life. After that, it was down to the waterfront to scrounge for a parking spot see Lake Michigan. We took off our shoes and tip-toed around a dog crapping on the beach through the sand. We climbed way out to the end of the rugged breakwater and didn’t want to sit down because the rocks were covered with seagull shit the view was inspiring.

The drive home couldn’t happen fast enough passed in the blink of an eye. My boys, God damn bless them, passed out rode peacefully – leaving me with five hours of boredom to reflect on the joys of this family vacation. We took a break at the village park in Cadott to watch a creeper drive through the park looking for something to masturbate to stretch our weary legs.

Once parked safely in my driveway, I leaned back into the head rest and whispered softly to myself, “WTF did I just do?” “OMG, I can’t wait to do this again.”